Same Song, Different Verse: To JS

Don't write much poetry, mainly 'cuz I suck at it. But was inspired to pen this joint while on vacation in N.C. last week....

"Same Song, Different Verse: To JS"

As I look into his eyes, cold, dark, and coffee brown,
I hear his whispering words, and begin to blank out the sound,
As he tells his sad old tale, my mind slowly rewinds
To my younger days, when life was a maze, and no peace could I find.

Hurt, Chaos, and Misery, these were my childhood friends,
Felt trapped, like I was gon’ snap, wondering, “Will this pain ever end?”
No way out of this hell called home, full of heartache and drama,
No Pops to provide and protect, not even a real Mama
To speak of, the real love came from brothers and sis
And a loving, caring Grandma, whose home seemed like bliss.

Spending weekends at Grandma’s was much-needed relief
From the violence and abuse faced day after day, week after week,
The punching and smacking, the screams and the shouts,
No heat, no new clothes, just learning to do without.
Night after night I cried, in my pillow I wept
Over so many lives so broken, so many promises unkept.
The fear and the turmoil slowly turned to anger, boiling hot
As my heart steadily grew colder, as I cursed my poor lot.

Years later, no more danger, but the effects I still feel
No immediate threat any longer, yet why does the pain seem so real?
New life, much less strife, thanks to God a lot’s gone well,
Yet my heart seems forever locked in this thick, protective shell.
Trust is hard, love is harder, the well of emotion has just run dry,
Tough outside, the real me I hide, finding it hard to even cry.
Friends try their best to come close, but there’s always this thick wall
Past which no one can venture, It’s really hard to give my all.

So when I hear his familiar story, my heart wells up with pure dread,
He’s walking my path, going where I’ve been, but I don’t like where the road heads.
Same aches, same pain, Will he ever be healed from this curse?
Why, Lord, is he forced to sing, the same song, different verse?

Copyright Joyce M. Caine © 2007

Taking A Break

Thankfully this week has been a real breather from my very, very hectic life. I'm in North Carolina with my sister and daughter visiting relatives and just 'taking it easy'. It feels good to be able to sleep late (9am is late for me with TT), to not have an 'agenda' or a 'to-do list' for the day, to be able to enjoy long conversations and laughter, and just to 'take a break' from the fast pace of life. Weeks like this are very refreshing and they remind me of my need to incorporate 'little Sabbaths' into my schedule. In fact, I think that might be a resolution of mine for the New Year: to plan for at least one 'get-away time' per quarter -- a weekend even away from TT, the only thing that would have made this break completely restful (I love my little one, but caring for her does involve a measure of stress and being 'on' that a vacation without her doesn't).

I've actually had a chance to pull aside and get a little bit back on track with my times with the Lord. Been reading the Book of First Samuel and contrasting two different leaders -- Saul and David. Also, interestingly, I've been reading Carol Dweck's latest book called Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, which actually relates somewhat to Saul and David. Dweck's book is basically about how harmful a 'fixed mindset' is (the belief that talent is natural and either you have it or you don't) and how beneficial a 'growth mindset' is (the belief in human development -- the idea that you can always learn from your mistakes and failures, and you can grow and develop phenomenally with the right mindset). I can see the fixed mindset in Saul and the growth mindset in Samuel. :0) I am learning so much about myself and about my flaws as a leader, and areas where I can change and improve, through the Bible and Dweck (not that I'm equating Dweck with the Bible or minimizing Scripture, but you know what they say, "All truth is God's truth").

Anyway, I've also had a chance to listen to some of my favorite Bible teachers: Crawford Loritz out of Roswell, GA; John Piper out of Minnesota, I believe; and my all-time favorite, this Scottish dude who pastors a church in Cleveland -- Alistair Begg.

It's been really great catching up on life with my sister Jackie, and just having a chance to laugh with her and to also share God's goodness, as well as struggles and prayer requests. In one way, I'm kind of glad my whole family isn't here, because I think the more folks who are around sometimes, the more diluted the fellowship and intimacy become. Though I would have loved to hang with my brothers, neices and nephew, and of course my long-time friends Barbara Parker and Pam (and Pam's young-uns), it's good just to catch up with my sister in small doses and not have the pressure of being around a ton of folks. Maybe that's my true introverted self coming out again, I don't know.

Anyway, I am just blogging to say how thankful to the Lord I am for giving me this time of rest. It is very much needed, and it has already helped to re-focus and re-juvenate me in a lot of ways.

Peace.