Limitations

"I don't mean no harm/But I'll bet the farm/

Some put the weight of the Mission*/On skill and charm"

I've been meditating lately on Cross Movement's words in the lyrics above (Holy Culture album, "In Not Of"). Like these brothers noticed, there's a tendency in the world today (and I'm guilty of it, too), to put an emphasis on human capital rather than divine capital to meet the challenges of the day and even to do God's own work. Yes, I see it every day, when folks with external critiera but without depth of character are selected over the humble and godly who may lack certain trappings (maybe not as smooth or socially adroit as the next man). I've also been checking out my boy Allistair Begg's series on weakness (TruthForLife.org) and being blessed by his assertion that our limitations (not our sins) may very well be the key to God's use of us. On top of all this (or really, on the bottom of it -- the foundation) has been my own meditation on Hannah, a thorough woman of God, and her prayer in I Samuel 2 (about God using the least likely -- the poor, beggars, barren, etc. -- rather than princes and so forth).

Now, I'm all about doing God's business w. excellence, but I've noticed a trend in the church that has taken its cues from the world, and that is placing a premium on human ability rather than God's when it comes to doing God's work. For instance, all too often, a pastor is selected because he is able to sway a crowd emotionally, not because of his heart for ministering to folks or because of his love of the truth of God's Word. It's like, how good can you hoop, how stirred up can you get the audience, how clever can you speak -- instead of, how faithful can you be visiting the elderly who are in nursing homes and unable to come to church (giving to those you can't get anything from), how dedicated to your calling can you be when you can make way more dough in the business world, how humble can you be when you have an elder board that really holds you accountable and is there for checks and balances, and how accurately can you communicate the heart of God -- not tainting it w. your own agenda, even your own 'cause'. More often than not, a person's looks, even their education or personality, are given more weight than their lifestyle and heart for God and for people when selecting someone to serve in leadership. And then we wonder what went wrong when there's tons of damage control to be done when the leader of our choosing's flaws become evident.

Reminds me of Saul, the people's choice. Tho' God told Israel that He was their King, they wanted the assurance that comes from external symbols (don't we all?). So they got what they wanted, human king Saul, even tho' God told them what the outcome of a human king would be (exploitation of your crops/land, your children, and so on -- and it seems it's been that way ever since, but I digress). Things weren't right until David came along, and He was God's real choice -- though he was young and inexperienced and the least likely among his brothers. (Ironically, David later became 'the people's champ'.)

How's all this affecting me? Well, it's causing me to examine myself and make sure I'm really trusting in the Lord rather than trusting in myself and my abilities or in a person or in earthly systems, etc. to meet my God-given needs (whether financially, spiritually, socially, career-wise, ministry-wise, whatever) and reach my God-given goals. When I say things like: God can't possibly be calling me to that because I can't see how it could work, or I know I'm in God's will but I feel the most inadequate than I've ever felt in my life, I have to pause and remind myself that no, I am not adequate, but if God tells me to do it, then He will make me adequate. Wasn't adequate for motherhood (far from it, w. my anti-maternal self), but God giveth grace. Wasn't adequate for Yale, this child of the ghetto (and I'm the kinda girl where you can take me outta the ghetto but you can't take the ghetto outta me), but God giveth grace. Um, just about everything that I've set out to do (whether finishing my last 2 years at Yale as a single mom or going to Dallas seminary as a single mom or teaching w.o ever taking 1 teaching class or moving into educ. admin. or discipling folks or speaking in front of folks), I've not been up to the task, and that's driven me to the Savior's arms. Now, the outcome hasn't been smooth sailing, but it's been w. a peace that I've followed God's will and a confidence that He's been / being made to shine. As Wangui reminded me, whenever I DON'T feel like I'm up to the task on my own strength, then there's problems b.c. I'm likely being prideful and will ride on my own strength -- not rest in the Lord's. Thanks for aptly spoken, wise words from friends.

It's so easy to fall into the trap of trying to do God's work my way -- to have a great, God-given goal, but to pursue it by resorting to less than godly tactics (like Abe trying to fulfill God's promise of a son by committing adultery w. Hagar). God's business has to be done God's way. God's just as concerned with how we get there as to where we're going. So, I can't begin in the Spirit, with a godly aim, and try to conclude in the flesh, by trusting in what seems like a sure fire method of getting there that doesn't honor God.

I'm beginning to see that my own limitations are really opportunities for God to be magnified. Like Paul did in II Corinthians, I'm starting to see the wisdom in rejoicing in my limitations rather than bemoaning them. My crazy upbringing is nothing to apologize for (heck, I didn't choose the family I was born into nor did I have any control over the choices of the adults who were responsible for rearing me). Instead, my background is something to accept and let God use -- and the more I rest in that, the more God uses that part of my life. My daughter's disability is not a sign of my weak faith, or of God's punishment of me, or anything crazy like that. Though I pray for T's healing every day, I also must to an extent accept the challenges our lives bring and rejoice in the simple pleasures of her big smile, her mischievous ways, and the gifts God has planted even in her non-verbal self (and there are many when you have the eyes to see). My personality type, as quirky as it is, my preferences (and their eclectic nature), are not evidence of my oddness (tho' my siblings would disagree -- to them I've always been a bit strange :0) ), but of God's unique making of me, and the more I see that what I am not, and I am, are completely in the Master's control -- the more content and the more effective a sistuh will be.

*The Great Commission